My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
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I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Ah..makes sense now
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women