Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
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Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.