Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
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Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I wish this was real life…
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?