A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME