[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
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I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Does it…does it take 3 days
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Encore…
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider: