me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
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me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.