how high up are we talkin’?
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Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
crazy
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them