Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
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My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I’m going to need a moment here.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again