I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
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The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.