If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
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Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
*me flirting
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say