google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”