The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
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Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?