When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
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what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Doggies just call it style.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”