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How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!