*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
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I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.