If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Home #decor warning.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE