[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
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Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers