I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
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I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.