*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
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Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
It was worth a shot 😂
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.