Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.