“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
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The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that