“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me buying fruit and veg
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
first you must answer his riddles
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”