My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
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My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Never ghost your hitman.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?