HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
You Might Also Like
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir