Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
You Might Also Like
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done