Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
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Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*cough*
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it