I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
You Might Also Like
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*