Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I hate when that happens.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?