I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
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Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
do u think theres a butter planet?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing