Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
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If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
back to work
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*