The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Simple
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
These aren’t even hard anymore.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.