If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
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Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?