If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
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The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache