You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.