David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
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If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does