You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
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Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
an airline just for babies.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old