We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
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Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My apartment is a mess, I should move
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
his wife is probably gonna see that
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens