Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
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If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Guilty! 🤪
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.