“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
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You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I like long walks away from everyone
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u