Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
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Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.