The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
You Might Also Like
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling