Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
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5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?