God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!