If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
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“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Children of the corn 🌽
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa