Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.