restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
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There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Would you wear it?
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re