I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
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Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.