Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
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KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.