Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
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My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Okey dokey.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell