my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
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The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!